Different Sexual Desire in Relationships: What Men and Women Don’t Understand About Each Other
Sex is an important part of a romantic, loving relationship. It is also the part of a relationship most likely to be fraught with misunderstanding, feelings of judgment and rejection, and built-up resentment.
In some cases, this resentment can spur infidelity.
Different sex drives in relationships are common, but that doesn’t make the situation easy to navigate. One person may feel rejected or unwanted, while the other feels pressured or misunderstood. And when neither person really understands what is happening for their partner, it becomes a vicious cycle.
Through my own life experience and my work as a couples therapist, I’ve come to believe that the root of the problem is that men and women just don’t understand each other’s sexuality. And they sure as hell don’t know how to talk about it!
Men and women are not only biologically different, but they receive very different social messages from a very young age.
The Social Messages We Receive About Sex
Young men and boys often receive most of their sexual knowledge from their friends and the internet. Today more than ever before, young men have access to pornography that gives them an unrealistic view of what their own sexuality should look like, what women’s sexuality looks like, and what sex is really about under the surface.
Some boys also receive messaging that their sexual thoughts and urges are wrong or shameful, which causes them to be confused, ashamed, and potentially even more focused on sex.
Young women and girls often receive messages that boys are “perverts” and are “only after one thing.” Their bodies are to be protected (which is true), but also sometimes, to be ashamed of. Some girls are taught, even if just through modeling by parents and friends, that sex is a topic to avoid.
Conversely, girls learn that they will get attention from men for the way they look and act, which feels great, until it doesn’t.
But most importantly, no one teaches men and women, young or old, how to TALK about sex.
Especially with our intimate partners!
What Men and Women Don’t Understand About Each Other
Of course, not every man or woman experiences sexuality in the same way. There is tremendous variation from person to person. But there are patterns I see over and over again in my work with couples, and understanding those patterns can help couples stop taking every sexual difference so personally.
Biology and Sexual Desire
When you think biologically, men are designed to "spread their seed." To do this, they need to compete with other men to win the woman.
When a woman says YES, it feels like they have won the lottery!
They feel validated, worthy, needed, lovable, desired!
Women don’t understand that sex is about so much more to a man than just the act itself. They also don’t understand that when they say NO, men often take it very personally.
Biologically, women are designed to be choosy about who they let impregnate them, and when. They are the gatekeepers.
A woman’s sexuality is not like a man’s. Their sexual interest waxes and wanes with monthly hormonal changes, time of life, stress and anxiety levels, and how they feel about their own body and sexuality.
Men don’t understand that when a woman is not in the mood for sex, it is almost always NOT about them.
Yet men, of course, take it very personally.
These differences are one reason different sexual desire in relationships can become such an emotional issue. One person may be experiencing a lack of sexual interest while the other experiences that same moment as rejection.
Connection: When One Partner Reaches for Sex
Another thing men and women don’t always understand about each other is how differently they may seek connection.
Usually, when men feel disconnected and want to connect with their partner, they reach for sex.
But women often need to feel emotionally connected before they want to have sex.
I’ve had women say:
“He hasn’t talked to me in a week, and then he comes up to me and wants sex! What is that about?”
My answer:
He is trying to connect with you.
Men complain:
“She never initiates sex and is never in the mood.”
My response:
When is the last time you made her feel special or paid attention to her outside of the bedroom?
Sometimes both people want the same thing—closeness—but they are trying to get there in completely different ways.
Arousal and Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
In general, men and women often have different arousal styles. And it’s not only men who don’t understand this, but many women don’t understand it about themselves.
Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, describes the difference between “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire.”
Spontaneous desire is when sexual arousal happens out of the blue and you are suddenly “turned on.” This is the type of desire depicted in movies and media and what our culture normalizes as the standard for everyone.
Although many women experience spontaneous arousal, for most, it isn’t as often as men and is dependent on many factors.
Responsive desire means sexual interest develops in response to pleasurable touch, affection, or connection rather than appearing spontaneously beforehand.
Many women have this type of desire and don’t become sexually aroused until they are well into the process of sexual touch.
Women, if you understand responsive desire, you will understand that waiting until you are turned on to initiate or engage in sex is a losing game.
Men, if you understand responsive desire, you will understand why foreplay and slowly bringing your lover along is important.
Understanding these different styles of desire can be a game changer when couples believe they simply have “mismatched sex drives.”
When Different Sex Drives Create Conflict in Relationships
This is how a sexual relationship goes off the rails:
Misunderstandings happen.
Feelings are hurt.
Both partners feel judged about how much sex they want—or don’t want.
Resentment grows.
And no one knows how to talk about it or how to fix it!
Instead of trying to determine which person has the “right” sex drive, it is much more productive to understand what sex, desire, rejection, and connection mean to each of you.
What a Healthy Sexual Relationship Looks Like
For Men
Hold her and tell her how good she smells and how soft she feels and how much you love her and want to spend your life with her, without expecting SEX every time!
Bring her coffee with a smile and tell her you are excited to spend the day with her.
Touch her hair and look into her eyes and tell her you want to protect her from the world.
Ask her how she is feeling and if there is anything you can do to make her load lighter today.
Tell her you appreciate what she does for you and your family and what a good partner or mother she is.
Prioritize her orgasm over yours. Learn what she likes. Know her buttons and how to push each one slowly to bring her along.
And if/when she is not in the mood, don’t pout, don’t take it personally, be loving and understanding.
Pressure from you is not a turn-on.
For Women
Tell him he is sexy and desirable.
Touch him often to let him know you care about him and find him attractive.
Tell him how much you appreciate all that he does for you and your family.
Give more compliments than criticism.
Recognize that when he is reaching for sex, he is asking to be close to you, to be loved and validated, to feel needed
and desired.
Make sex a priority in your marriage and initiate and accept his invitations, recognizing that desire may develop once intimacy begins.
And if/when you are not in the mood, let him know you love and desire him, but the timing is off.
Ask for a raincheck—and then CIRCLE BACK and re-engage without him needing to remind or ask.
“Act As If”
I also tell couples this:
If this kind of behavior doesn’t come naturally to you, then “ACT AS IF” you already feel these things and know how to express them.
Practice it like you are an actor in a movie.
Human behavioral change takes practice. And you don’t have to wait until you feel a certain way to act a certain way.
Feelings can follow behavior.
Behavior can create feelings.
Stop Keeping Score
Many couples appear to stand on opposite sides of the room and say:
“You go first.”
Nope.
This is a team effort.
Two people giving means two people getting.
More Tips for Couples Trying to Improve Their Sexual Relationship
Prioritizing Means Planning
Too many people think that scheduling sex is unsexy.
But if you have busy lives, kids, 2 careers—then sometimes planning for when sex can happen makes it more likely to happen!
It doesn’t have to be on the schedule like every Friday at 8 PM, but planning ahead for when you have weekend downtime or a free evening can be helpful.
Also, try different times of the day rather than waiting until the end of an exhausting day and then expecting everyone to be at their best.
A side benefit to planning sex: Women sometimes struggle to switch gears when caught off guard by her partner’s sexual advances. When she knows what to expect, her mind is already in that space, and her sexual response is smoother.
A little self-disclosure: When my kids were in elementary school, my husband would go into work late on Wednesdays.
We jokingly called it “Hump Day.”
It was something for us to look forward to, joke about, and it was time we set aside just for us.
Non-Sexual Touch Matters Too
Touch each other more outside of the bedroom, without expecting it to turn into sex.
If a woman thinks every touch will turn into sex, she may pull away from your touch more and more.
Physical touch makes many men feel special, but if he assumes touching will automatically turn into a sexual
encounter, she may stop touching him too.
Allow touch to be caring, playful, and nurturing.
Hold hands.
Sit next to each other touching shoulders or knees.
Hug.
Cuddle more.
Not every affectionate moment needs to lead somewhere.
A Word About Her Orgasm
For some women—not all women—it takes a lot of concentration and effort to reach orgasm.
This could be due to sexual side effects from medication, hormonal fluctuations, stress, anxiety, etc.
If this is the case, it may sometimes be helpful to de-prioritize her orgasm.
If she doesn’t feel pressure to climax with every sexual encounter, it may be easier to relax, enjoy the experience, and
simply feel close to her partner during lovemaking.
Have a conversation about what this would be like for each of you.
Mind Your Algorithms
Social media is insidious.
We may think we have the ability to make rational decisions about the content we are consuming, but algorithms are designed to feed you more of what you focus on—and often content that becomes more and more extreme.
There is a lot of content aimed at men who are angry at women and women who are angry at men.
That content may validate your feelings, but it doesn’t necessarily put you in a mindset to solve your relationship problems.
If you aren’t willing to take a break from social media, try searching for content that is actually helpful.
Surround yourself with people who are giving GOOD advice—not just the validation you want to hear.
Bottom Line: Communication Is KEY
Most importantly, couples don’t talk enough about their sexual relationship.
And this causes painful misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment.
When you are dealing with different sexual desire in a relationship, start talking about what sex means to each of
you rather than assuming you already know.
What makes you feel desired?
What makes you feel pressured?
What helps you feel emotionally connected?
What helps you become sexually interested?
What does it feel like when your partner says no?
What does it feel like when you believe you are expected to say yes?
These are not always easy conversations.
Start talking anyway!
And if resentment has taken root so deeply that every conversation turns into an argument, then find a couples counselor or sex therapist who can help you navigate the conversations and get back on track.
I will always remember a certain couple that had built up resentment over sexual misunderstandings. We talked about many of the points I have made in this article, and that sparked a lot of conversation at home.
The first thing they said when they sat down for our next session was:
“Holy communication!”
The light had come on for them.
Understanding each other’s different sexual needs isn’t about deciding which partner is right or wrong. It’s about understanding what is happening for the person you love—and learning how to talk about it together.
Frequently Asked Questions About Different Sex Drives in Relationships
Is it normal for couples to have different sex drives?
Yes. It is common for partners to experience different levels of sexual desire, and those levels can change over the course of a relationship. Stress, hormones, medication, age, emotional connection, health, and many other factors can affect sexual desire.
Does having different sex drives mean something is wrong with our relationship?
Not necessarily. The difference itself may be less problematic than how you respond to it. When one partner feels constantly rejected, and the other constantly feels pressured, resentment can grow. Understanding each other’s experience and talking about it openly is important.
What is responsive desire?
Responsive desire means sexual interest develops in response to pleasurable experiences such as affection, kissing, touching, or emotional connection rather than appearing spontaneously beforehand. Understanding responsive desire can help couples recognize that not everyone experiences sexual interest in the same way.
How can couples talk about mismatched sex drives?
Talk about sex at a neutral time rather than immediately after one person initiates and the other says no. Try to understand what sex and intimacy mean to each of you, what helps each partner feel connected and desired, and what may be getting in the way.
Can couples counseling help with different sex drives?
Yes. When conversations about sex repeatedly lead to hurt feelings, pressure, rejection, arguments, or resentment, couples counseling can provide a neutral place to understand what is happening and learn healthier ways to communicate about intimacy.
