Resentment is like Cancer to a Marriage
Relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, cites “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling” as negative interactions that are the death knell to a marriage.
I agree that once partner interactions devolve into these behaviors, it is hard to turn the cart around. However, I think it’s important to note that these behaviors often arise from something growing deeper within the relationship:
Resentment.
It’s the resentments that begin to grow (in even a healthy marriage) which become the cancer that destroys the relationship from the inside. Resentments can be insidious and can creep in without much notice.
Sometimes resentments arise from small incidents or differences of opinion that turn into larger misunderstandings or on-going disagreements. For example:
- You feel criticized or unappreciated for your contributions to the family.
- Your spouse does not make time together a priority or ignores your needs.
- You feel like household chores are not shared equally.
- Your partner shows little interest in sexual intimacy.
Sometimes resentments arise from bigger events or decisions that impact the trajectory of the relationship:
- You move to another city for your partner’s job which takes you away from family or friends.
- You don’t agree on the decision about whether or not to have children - or to have more children.
- Your spouse has struggled with addictions and perhaps lied to cover up behavior.
These are all examples of unresolved issues lurking just below the surface or buried deep within the relationship. If these growing resentments aren’t addressed or even acknowledged they will begin to multiply and spread like cancerous cells in the body, affecting everything that was once healthy and good.
In my experience, the most malignant type of resentments are those that go unspoken. Some people keep angry feelings bottled up because they don’t want to rock the boat or because they feel silenced by their partner’s own angry expression of feelings. Those who tend to be passive communicators in the relationship often let resentments grow heavy within them, and silently heap more indignation on the pile with each passing injustice. Passive relationship behavior often turns into passive-aggressive behavior, which is why unspoken resentments sometimes bloom into infidelity.
So pay attention. What are you holding against your partner? What grudges have you been accumulating in the relationship?
Being aware of your resentments - being mindful of the angry feelings that surface again and again - is like cancer prevention screening. Early detection and treatment is paramount to the survival of your relationship!
-Valerie Allen, MEd, LPCC
A therapist can help you get your resentments out on the table and sort through them in a productive manner. If you would like to talk about how to let go of resentments and move toward resolution or forgiveness in order to create a stronger, healthier relationship, contact me at valallencounseling@gmail.com or 513-317-8113.
To read more about Dr. John Gottman and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, click here.
¡La infidelidad es mala! Mi ex marido me engañó MUCHO. Y constantemente me acusaba de engañarlo a pesar de que yo le era totalmente fiel. Era un monstruo... por razones mucho peores que esa, pero poco después de que entré en Instagram consulté a un genio cibernético, “Macio Spy Team”, que me ayudó a hackear su teléfono y expuso todas sus actividades secretas de engaño. Veo automáticamente todas sus actividades malvadas a través de mi teléfono, lo peor que hizo fue enviarle fotos desnudas a una mujer, esto realmente me rompió el corazón, me ayudó a ganar la custodia de mis dos hijos durante el divorcio. Engañar es cruel y se siente horrible.
I was one of many men who never thought a day would come when my wife would cheat on me. I found out when my friend and I jokingly got a hacker to spy on our wives' phones. There were no signs at all of her infidelity so I was 100% sure that I wouldn't get anything suspicious in her phone. On the other hand, my friend had doubts based on his wife's recent behaviour. We got a cyber company called MACIO SPY TEAM, MACIOFONESPYRIX @ GMAIL. COM to do the job and they immediately sent us instructions which later gave us access to the women's phones. The shock I felt when I checked her WhatsApp and messages is hard…
My partner either has absolutely no energy at all and spends all day sleeping and making up, or has an INSANE amount of energy on calls all day. I complained overtime on the amount of time she sends on phone either calling or chatting, yet she doesn’t take anything I say seriously…Recently I found out she was having an affair, thanks to the service of this software genius hacker @prompttechrecovery on Telegram, who helped me hack her phone and gained me remote access to her phone activities. I confronted him with the proof of her infidelity and still contemplating divorce. I try to choose her over and over every day, but sometimes it’s hard. It makes me sad because I…